


i can't do this alone

by violetmessages



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Post-Audio 034: Expectant, Post-Season/Series 02, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, referenced canonical mpreg, you probably don't need to have heard Expectant to read this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:13:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28122903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violetmessages/pseuds/violetmessages
Summary: Gwen is drunk, Jack's an alien baby's surrogate, and Ianto can't cope anymore.A coda to Expectant.
Relationships: Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones
Comments: 16
Kudos: 27





	i can't do this alone

**Author's Note:**

> This is an coda for the Big Finish audio Expectant, although you probably don't have to listen to the audio to read this. All you need to know is that Gwen on vacation in Tenerife, hinted to be using alcohol to cope, and isn't ready to come back to work, and Jack decided to become a surrogate to an alien as a bad coping mechanism.

“Ah, Ianto.” Jack bounded in. “Get me some coffee, will you? I haven’t had it in weeks!”

“Coming right up,” Ianto said, sighing wearily. Jack didn’t seem to notice his exhausted tone, simply nodding and walking up to his office. 

Ianto turned on the coffee machine, tamping down the grinds and brewing them. It had been a long month, and he just wanted to go to sleep. He’d taken care of his pregnant boyfriend all while babysitting the Rift by himself and trying to ignore whatever feelings he was dealing with. He was coping, just badly. And he was pretty sure if he didn’t get a few hours of sleep, he was going to explode. 

“Now, Ianto,” Jack ordered from the comms. “We’ve got to liaison with UNIT, and if I’m not properly caffeinated, then I’m going to yell at them. And then where would we be?”

Angrily, Ianto reached for the previous batch of coffee he’d made. He poured whatever was left into Jack’s mug, walked to Jack’s office, and slammed it onto his desk.

“Thanks,” said Jack absently. He reached for the mug, took a sip, and spat it out. “This is cold!”

“If you want coffee instantly, it’ll be cold. I can’t just make fresh, hot coffee out of thin air,” Ianto said, glaring at him intently. “Anything else you’ll need?”

“Ianto, are you feeling alright?” Jack asked, raising an eyebrow. Ianto scoffed. 

“Are you asking?” Ianto asked in disbelief. “You’re seriously asking me if I’m alright? Really?”

“Well, I just-”

“Save it,” he snarled, cutting him off. “After everything you’ve done, you have the nerve to ask me that and act like everything is fucking alright!”

“Ianto,” Jack said, looking offended. “I’m only trying to-”

“-trying to what, exactly. Do whatever you please and expect everyone to deal with it? Is that what you’re trying to do? Because you’ve done an  _ excellent  _ job of that.” He rolled his eyes. “I cannot believe you have the fucking nerve.”

“I had to,” Jack defended himself, sounding angrier. “I thought I was doing the right thing.”

“Oh,  _ did you _ ?” Ianto said sarcastically. “You thought that getting pregnant when we have two active team members was the right thing to do. You just always have to do what you want, don’t you?”

“Ianto-”

“No,” he roared. “I’m done with this shit. Gwen’s off getting drunk in the middle of the afternoon. and your coping strategy is getting knocked up with an alien baby. And where does that leave me? The only one left. The one who has to take care of five people’s tasks all by myself.”

“I let Gwen have the vacation because she needed it. You agreed with me,” Jack responded, face pinched. “You said we could handle the Rift.”

“That was before you decided to become the surrogate to an alien child,” Ianto snapped. “I had to deal with everything by myself and deal with your mood swings and cravings and get you anything else you wanted. I couldn’t even be properly angry with you,” he ranted, face heating up. Jack narrowed his eyebrows, looking angry. 

“Ianto, this was important to the Yalnix empire! I couldn’t just-” he cut off, mouth pinched. “Look, I know it left us understaffed, but I had to do that. After everything that’s happened-”

“-everything that’s happened? Tosh and Owen died. And what am I supposed to do? Get pregnant or backslide into alcoholism?” Ianto yelled. “The worst part - the worst fucking part about all of this - is that you’re not even sorry about anything.”

“I already apologized-” Jack started to say. 

“-when?” Ianto said, laughing at him incredulously. “When, in the entirety of this whole nightmare of a time, have you apologized? You’re an absolute bastard, you know that.”

“Ianto,” said Jack, wounded. His eyes narrowed, and he looked much more apologetic, but Ianto was tired and he’d had enough. 

“I’m going home,” he said. “You can stay here and mind the Rift, and I don’t want to see you for the next twelve hours.”

And with a final glare, he turned on his heel and walked out of the Hub. He didn’t bother looking back; the sight of Jack’s face alone was sure to make him even angrier. The audacity of that man made Ianto furious. He marched to his car, the mixture of rage and grief propelling him forward. 

Sitting down in his car, Ianto stared down at the steering wheel. He wanted to - well, he wasn’t sure exactly what he wanted to do. He wanted to scream at Jack about being irresponsible and yell at Gwen for using the same unhealthy coping mechanisms as he had when he’d lost Lisa. And most of all, he wanted to rage at the universe for being cruel and uncaring and taking away two of his friends, his family really, away from him when he should have had so much more time with them. 

Every time he walked into the silent Hub, he felt a pang of loss in his heart, so deep that he couldn’t focus. He missed the sounds of Tosh typing, of Owen rattling about in the autopsy bay, and of Gwen’s laughter. He missed the way Jack looked at the four of them, proud, because they were his team. 

Now Jack’s eyes looked empty, Gwen was drunk, and Ianto was the only one left standing, unable to cope with the load of five people’s tasks thrust upon him. He didn’t resent Gwen for leaving, far from it. But he wished desperately that he could leave too. That he could just turn his brain off for a few weeks, forget about the aching pain he felt all the time, and have no responsibilities. He couldn’t do it anymore. 

He was just so tired. 

Slightly regretting the way he’d spoken to Jack, Ianto pulled out his phone and stared at it. Jack had texted him.  _ I’m sorry,  _ he had sent.  _ I was a bastard. I’ll let you rest for the next few days.  _

He put the phone down and rubbed his temples. As much as he didn’t want to apologize for what he yelled, Ianto was tired of fighting. He was tired of being angry; he was tired of everything really. All he wanted to do was curl up with Jack at home, watch whatever shitty program was on the television, and go to bed for an outrageous amount of time, maybe even longer if he was lucky. 

Making up his mind, he exited his car, walking back to the Hub slowly. As the cog door opened and alarms rang out, Jack leaped from where he was sitting and ran to him. 

“Is everything alright,” he asked frantically. Ianto shook his head and yanked Jack towards him, crushing Jack against him. He wrapped his hands around Jack and rested his face in the crook of Jack’s shoulder and neck. “Ianto?”

“Shut up,” he mumbled, and hugged him tighter. Jack didn’t speak after that, simply rubbing his back gently. 

They stayed like that for a while. 

“This doesn’t mean you’re not an arse,” said Ianto, releasing him. “I just-”

“I know, I’m sorry,” Jack said gently. He cupped Ianto’s cheek, resting his other hand over his shoulder. “I didn’t ever mean to put this on you.”

“How do I deal with this?” Ianto asked him, looking into his eyes desperately. “I thought I could handle it better than Gwen because I know what it’s like to lose someone, but I just can’t.”

“That’s not how it works,” Jack said, shaking his head. “Grief - it can’t be rushed, and it can’t ever be prepared for.”

“Don’t know why I’m asking you,” Ianto muttered. “Your strategy was to get pregnant with an alien.”

Jack laughed at that, eyes crinkling into a smile that Ianto hadn’t seen in weeks. He pulled Ianto closer and kissed the top of his forehead, resting his own against Ianto’s afterwards. 

“We’ll just have to learn how to do it together then,” Jack said. “I promise, I won’t let you go through this alone anymore.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Kudos/Comments are always appreciated!
> 
> Find me on tumblr [here](https://violetmessages.tumblr.com/)


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